JOKES Only the very best jokes that get e-mailed to me get put on here. If it didn't make me laugh, it ain't worthy!

THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIE INDUSTRY
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the Germans).
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.

Supplied by Mick!

The following are the winners of the Washington Post's contest to find titles for "Children's Books You'll Never See..."

"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Camille Quenville, Windsor)
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" (Thomas Drucker, Carlisle, PA)
"Where Would You Like to be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David Genser, Arlington)
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer-HEY! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)
"All Dogs Go to Hell" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth Krattenmaker, = Landover Hills)
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?" (Martin Keutel, Alexandria)
"Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard, Springfield)

Supplied by Mick!

How You Know You're A Woman

1. You're a bitch.

2. When asked, Is something bothering you?, reply NO, then get pissed off when you are believed.

3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior.

4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

5. Whine.

6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy.

7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love.

10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life.

11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend/husband must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible.

12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs.

Supplied By Paul Bolger

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