HOW TO BE ANNOYING
LESSON ONE: THE ELEVATOR
1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to
3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut
up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4.Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
14.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay
open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
15.Do Tai Chi exercises.
16.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce: "I've got new socks on!"
17.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not
now, damn motion sickness!"
18.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
21.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
22.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
23.Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
24.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
25.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
26.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
27.Leave a box between the doors.
28.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
29.Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through"
30.Start a sing-along.
31.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your
32.Play the harmonica.
34.Say "Ding!" at each floor.
35.Lean against the button panel.
36.Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
37.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
38.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers that this is your "personal space."
39.Bring a chair along.
40.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha
in muh mouf?"
41.Blow spit bubbles.
42.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
43.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host
44.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
45.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
46.Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
LESSON TWO: THE CINEMA
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some
Juijy Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the badguy is doing something devoius, say, " Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!
Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend
16. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!"
LESSON THREE: THE COMPUTER LAB
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the stupid thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different
screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Get a MIDI File that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
9. Use WinPop-Up or some other messaging program to hit on people you don't
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad
about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees.
Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two
days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this
for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more
effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an
entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind
if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar
on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff
and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back
and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the
computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers
in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily,
exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after
every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug
your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev
that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that
computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
LESSON FOUR: GENERAL ANNOYANCES
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark,
11x17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to
see if they slow down.
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while
talking to others.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in
all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and
"cc." them to your boss.
10. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance
11. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands
over you ears.
12. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge
across the room.
13. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
14. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are
green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
15. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
16. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a
17. Honk and wave to strangers.
18. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
their complimentary mints by the cash register.
19. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
20. type only in lowercase.
21. dont use any punctuation either
22. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute
23. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you
hear that?", "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
24. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
25. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and
26. Ask people what gender they are.
27. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head
like a parakeet.
28. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual
29. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
30. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't
31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then
scribble the answers in a notebook. Mutter something about
32. TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
33. Send this list to everyone in your email address book
even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.